Why I Love Collecting Photographs

I am a photography addict and a shameless hoarder of memories from keepsakes with handwritten notes, receipts and of course pictures! In this digital world, the ease of having a memory card can give limitless joy of clicking still moments and convenience of storing it using social media accounts. Lately I have been struggling with updating our family albums with pictures on print; backlogs from previous travels, special occasions and random shots that requires time and effort to sort and be saved on the 'develop' album.  Nothing beats seeing memories in pages and pages of pictures or displayed on a 5x7 wooden frame that line up when you enter the house. It gives out a certain connection whenever it's displayed as if one is never absent or be visually reminded of a memory.

Here are a few good reasons why I like to print photos:

Treasured Items
My grandparent's house is a treasure trove of pictures and memorabilia. When we were young, my siblings and I would secretly open a chest full of albums and would be so engrossed seeing the life our grandparents and their parents lived. It conveys a message of being a part of their life without actually meeting them in person. I would want the next generation to experience the same and be filled with stories of the past as we owe it to them too. And pictures get valuable over time!

Changing Times
Social media accounts like Facebook or Instagram are a few of the platforms one can view pictures using even the most basic Android-based smartphones but nothing beats touching a glossy paper with a photo of a family opening gifts on a Christmas morning, a self-portrait in an explored location, a random shot of a landscape that sparks emotions and gives new life.  Photographs in albums or on a frame are viewable no matter what.

Sharing Memories
Whenever I have files developed, it brings everybody together. Who doesn't enjoy flipping through photo prints by hand and reminiscing stories with each other? Everyone loves to look at pictures and best of all you get to bond over it with food and a bottle of beer!

Carpe effin diem!

My mom taken using a Holga 150, color slide with light leaks!

There are really some days when life reminds you to slow down and reflect on what's really important in this world.

How 'blogging" helped me cope with grief

If you have read my first post you'll know what i'm talking about.

After my first experience of death, the purpose of life has been a total blur. I remember being angry that time. I easily get envious of complete families and during affairs I would shut my mind from feeling the happy mood. I guess it's normal to feel that way, it's better to shut everyone out and deal with grief in my own terms. One outlet that helped me express what I felt was through "blogging". There wasn't Facebook that time, only Friendster and Multiply and the only connection I have with the outside world was through the latter that I was able to share the saddest day of my life.  People's responses gave me heartwarming comfort. Messages of hope and encouraging words came from anonymous readers and somehow it eased the pain but there's always that empty feeling afterwards.

Due to the struggle of wanting to express myself, I started a blog. As days went by, and mostly days where I felt confused and angry I would resort to writing on my online journal. I knew someone would eventually read my rants by accident but I just sort of wanted someone to hear me, to throw away that sadness, the anger, confusion and the tears into the unknown and not expecting any return from it. I was selfish when it came to my feelings and fighting it was much harder than I thought. And so I gave up fighting. If I wanted to cry, I write myself all the emotions until tears fall down my face. Everday I would read my previous posts, then cry until I feel relieved. Somehow the habitual reading of my own blog entries tired me out that eventually led me to read other people's blogs. Fashion blogs to be specific. And so daily rants slowly turned to optimistic posts and then to outfit shots. Lol. Perhaps I got inspired by colors again, diverting grief into something new and fresh. And so I would take photos of me in my work clothes. The same things that fashion bloggers do except theirs was always on the top. I admit that was pretty trying hard of me and until now you can see some posts of it here in my blog Haha. 

Year after year the topics and interests that I share changed. From the original blog, I transferred some contents to a new one and eventually into this new url.  In the six years of struggling, am okay now. Although i can never erase the fact that I still miss my mom and will miss her for the rest of my life, I'm not saying that I don't grieve anymore. Maybe it's turning that grief into a more expression of life through the things that I do..hobbies or interests.

There's this verse from the bible that kept with me. And let me share it here.

	To every thing there is a season,
	And a time to every purpose under the heaven:
	A time to be born, and a time to die;
	A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
5	A time to kill, and a time to heal;
	A time to break down, and a time to build up;
	A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
	A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
	A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
10	A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
	A time to get, and a time to lose;
	A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
	A time to rend, and a time to sew;
	A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
15	A time to love, and a time to hate;
	A time of war, and a time of peace.
	—Ecclesiastes 3:1–8

There's a much deeper sense of life now and I owe it all to the Higher Being for everything. Amidst the physical absence of my mom, I know she is still here continue inspiring us. An Assumption nun once shared to us, "Your mom is more present now than she was in her physical body. Her love for you grows in each one of you."

I understand now. During that process of grieving, mom was present in all things. Unawarely I would share about a certain hobby and later would I realize that it was what she usually does at home and by noticing those little things, it gave me huge comfort.  What really helped me cope was knowing she is everywhere and sharing about it to the world to see. Reminding me of her through the colors that I wear, the choices that I make and making her a part of my daily life. Sometimes I feel sad for the future knowing she's not here but perhaps, looking beyond her physical form gives purpose to the meaning of life. There's a more reason to paint, to draw, to do stuff, to be happy, to fulfill her dreams and mine.

So if you find yourself in a dark moment in your life, try writing it down. Have a journal or start a blog!      Great things might come out, we don't know. :)

Reminder to self

We live in a fast-paced world. Because of this, we fail to notice many things. For a change, try to take it slow today. As you go through your day, take time out to count your blessings. One by one, thank God for the the blessings that come your way. You will be amazed by how blessed you truly are.

http://sessionsdude.tumblr.com/post/104221096013/we-live-in-a-fast-paced-world-because-of-this-we

Parking correctly + anger issue

I always have this thing with parking lots and parking correctly. This morning I had an irritating case of parking problems upon arriving at work. This pickup truck was parking unadjacent to the lanes thus taking the 3 spaces that would accommodate customers but because the pickup was on the edge, no cars can enter. This scenario got me irritated at first but my calming guard was on alert. I thought the car owner was our customer, it turned out he was a priest who's on business with the bank a few spaces before our store. What got me lose my temper was the banks ample parking space  was openly available for it's clients,  apparently this 'priest' (forgive me Lord) needs a parking, driving etiquette for him to know where to park correctly. So the anger issue here was me reacting with semi-irritation by blowing my horn non-stop hoping i could get the attention of the driver. After that, the bank employee apologized, the driver transferred it's pickup to the banks parking space and I got in my space.

After I got my cool, I suddenly realized that I acted like a total bitch, beeping like that in the middle of the street. And so the 'I feel bad, i'm sorry, gotta teach him a lesson, that was overacting' dilemma enters the scene. Yes I admit I was over the top by my reaction but that was it. I feel guilty and i'm sorry for that commotion but I'm not sorry for the way that 'priest' parked because that was irresponsible, ignorant and stupid. I do hope he also learned his lesson. 

So here I am, keeping my calm by reading articles about controlling anger or temper. 

According to the American Psychological Association, anger is :

• completely normal
•  usually healthy, human emotion
• an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage
• allow us to fight and to defend ourselves

Dealing with anger,

• The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.

 Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. 

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. 

Strategies to control anger:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut.
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination
• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer

To analyze and conclude today's dilemma, beeping irritatingly was rude and that was wrong of me to react so sudden. What sparked that intense emotion was due to hormones on premenstrual syndrome. Next time, I will turn my anger in to humor and try to widen my temper meter a few tads high.

More anger reading on source: http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx?item=3

Rainy day blues

Every time I wake up in the morning, my eyes automatically scan for daylight behind the curtains. If the sun seems to be shining bright, it means I woke up pretty late but if the curtains glow like light reflecting from behind, it's sunrise and it would mean perfectly to be a good start of my day.  Otherwise, it's a different story.

Today I woke up hearing my sister's voice telling me to wake up. I opened my eyes slowly expecting the room to be, as usual dark, but it seemed different since the curtains were glowing. Aha! It's gonna be a good day. Went outside to fix fresh juice and there it was, Mr. Sun shining bright among clear skies with no hint of rain whatsoever. I was smiling in my head while juicing some fruits thinking the possibilities what a GOOD day can do. You see when there's no rain it means good business but if it's gloomy and wet, people don't come out of their houses and be productive, in short, not good for business. Hehe! So while watching the juicer squeeze out the juice from the carrots, apple and cucumber, my head was already conditioning itself the tasks that'll be lining up for the day. I love being productive and finishing work ahead as what's expected during the time frame makes me feel accomplished. Just about when I was done with the juicing, the heavens suddenly poured out heavy rain! Whatta bummer! All the mind conditioning flew away and I am left with a sulking self.

I am not a rain person. I feel bad, I feel sad. I want the sun!

In my shoes: Momcessory

My mom's classic moccassins .. wearing this warms my heart knowing  she's with me physically.

#momcessory #inmyshoes #joytotheuniverse

Do not despise your inner world: An advice by Martha Nussbaum

One of the most poignant letters i read from philosopher Martha Nussbaum on the importance of cultivating a rich inner life.


"Do not despise your inner world. That is the first and most general piece of advice I would offer… Our society is very outward-looking, very taken up with the latest new object, the latest piece of gossip, the latest opportunity for self-assertion and status. But we all begin our lives as helpless babies, dependent on others for comfort, food, and survival itself. And even though we develop a degree of mastery and independence, we always remain alarmingly weak and incomplete, dependent on others and on an uncertain world for whatever we are able to achieve. As we grow, we all develop a wide range of emotions responding to this predicament: fear that bad things will happen and that we will be powerless to ward them off; love for those who help and support us; grief when a loved one is lost; hope for good things in the future; anger when someone else damages something we care about. Our emotional life maps our incompleteness: A creature without any needs would never have reasons for fear, or grief, or hope, or anger. But for that very reason we are often ashamed of our emotions, and of the relations of need and dependency bound up with them. Perhaps males, in our society, are especially likely to be ashamed of being incomplete and dependent, because a dominant image of masculinity tells them that they should be self-sufficient and dominant. So people flee from their inner world of feeling, and from articulate mastery of their own emotional experiences. The current psychological literature on the life of boys in America indicates that a large proportion of boys are quite unable to talk about how they feel and how others feel — because they have learned to be ashamed of feelings and needs, and to push them underground. But that means that they don’t know how to deal with their own emotions, or to communicate them to others. When they are frightened, they don’t know how to say it, or even to become fully aware of it. Often they turn their own fear into aggression. Often, too, this lack of a rich inner life catapults them into depression in later life. We are all going to encounter illness, loss, and aging, and we’re not well prepared for these inevitable events by a culture that directs us to think of externals only, and to measure ourselves in terms of our possessions of externals.

What is the remedy of these ills? A kind of self-love that does not shrink from the needy and incomplete parts of the self, but accepts those with interest and curiosity, and tries to develop a language with which to talk about needs and feelings. Storytelling plays a big role in the process of development. As we tell stories about the lives of others, we learn how to imagine what another creature might feel in response to various events. At the same time, we identify with the other creature and learn something about ourselves. As we grow older, we encounter more and more complex stories — in literature, film, visual art, music — that give us a richer and more subtle grasp of human emotions and of our own inner world. So my second piece of advice, closely related to the first, is: Read a lot of stories, listen to a lot of music, and think about what the stories you encounter mean for your own life and lives of those you love. In that way, you will not be alone with an empty self; you will have a newly rich life with yourself, and enhanced possibilities of real communication with others."

quick to panic

Just saying a quick hi, hello, goodbye to my blog. Sorry for not updating coz I am still in hiatus from all the shebang of daily living. Yeah I know this (blogging) can keep the ball rolling but I am currently on a quest that needs a lot of hope, encouragement, will, strength, et cetera et cetera et cetera and perhaps being off for the meantime can bring back that spark again.  I am totally not in control of my emotions and I get a bit mushy when I want to write. So like I said, just a quick hi hello goodbye.

Sharing about PMS and how small things can make you crazy and you get extremely mad and you cry for no reason at all. All it means to say, it's time. PERIOD..

happy day with our pet beagle, COLA. beagles make me smile.

giving thanks

“We live in a fast-paced world. Because of this, we fail to notice many things. For a change, try to take it slow today. As you go through your day, take time out to count your blessings. One by one, thank God for the the blessings that come your way. You will be amazed by how blessed you truly are.”

Here's a praise Psalm revised by the author of the book I'm currently reading.

Praise the Lord.

Praise God in the glorious sunshine.

Praise Him in the freezing drizzle.

Praise Him as you drive to church. 

Praise Him as you drive to the dentist.

Praise Him in the checkout line;

Praise Him in freeway traffic.

Praise God on the job;

Praise Him on vacation.

Praise Him on payday and as you make the house payment.

Praise God when you open your eyes in the morning;

Praise Him when you can't shut them at night. 

Praise Him for take-out food and elegant dinners.

Praise Him for computers and Email.

Praise God when you're 13.

Praise Him when you're 93.

Praise Him in the racket of a family gathering.

Praise Him in the quietness of a lonely room.

Praise God on the CD player and the car stereo;

Praise Him with your heart and voice--

Or in silence.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

God gave us a gift of 86, 400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "Thank you'?" 

When in crisis

Crisis moments are opportunities for growth, an occasion to grapple with real choices and tough consequences, thus a moment of maturity. In these moments, you are forced to to go back to the basics, to your foundation, to who you truly are. Allow God to be your rock of salvation, your sure foundation. — 2346

today

There are some things that only a mother can understand and make you feel okay.

sometimes when sadness and confusion occurs it is much easier to confine myself to anger. because in anger the feeling is so intense you tend to forget you are sad or confused and you resort to be angry about small things instead.

today i was kind of pressured over things and i admit i have responsibilities that i neglected over these past months. i know and i am aware of it.

my mom's passing has been difficult for me and dealing with it in my own way is the only solution that can pass. i am like inside a big ball of balloon, so delicate that when you try poke it, you get afraid it might burst and when it pops it really pops. that's what i am feeling right now. push me and i get a little mixture of anxiety, confusion, depression. the feeling is endless.

i wish my Mom was here. she could have understand what i am feeling right now and only she can make me feel ok about it. she scolds me, she pressures me, she tells me what to do and that's ok. and now i miss have someone to tell me what to do because the truth is i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i have no dreams or aspirations or whatever as of the moment and all i want to do is just to enjoy even though it only gives me temporary happiness.

i don't know anyone who understands what i'm feeling today. i am not self-fulfilled.

i just want someone to tell me what to do then i can start from there.

december 23

i am suffering from chronic nostalgia.

these past days have been so depressing. didn't go to work yesterday and this morning. and the days before was just for the sake of going to work.

yesterday, 3 of us siblings, my achi, bryan and I had sort of a minor sickness. i think it was slightly because of anxiety nearing the 25th.

i find God, family and friends as my only comfort and strength but sometimes no family and friends can fill up that emptiness inside me. i wish Mom was here...........

curse humans for bringing cruelty and destruction to our world for it gave us diseases and problems and .......

i pray for forgiveness, patience, strength, peace and joy.

I know christmas is Jesus' coming.. and I praise Him for everything!

here goes, Merry Christmas!

tis the season

I am aware that Christmas day is drawing near. As much as I want to escape each day, I can't because I always feel this sudden heart twist whenever i see christmas lights and all those season's shebang. one night while i was driving home from work, i passed by the plaza and saw a great commotion, all those nice- looking sparkling lights blinking, the crowd, the air, i said to myself "shit!" like a hard kick on the gut. i don't want to feel this overwhelming cloud and i wept the whole time i was driving.

it's really hard knowing that for the twenty two years of your life, you spend your christmas with the whole family, eat together, watch fireworks together, seeing the smiles of everyone. this time i don't know what will happen when that day comes. last christmas, i was bugging my Mom to have our family picture even though she didn't feel well, she just smiled at me whenever i asked her. for how many attempts, it did not happen. i did not have that last shot. then came the month of may, i brought my camera to the hospital expecting that she would recover and we could have our family photo, but i guess, it wasn't obliged. i went home devastated without that final shot knowing that i won't be able to see a complete family on a print.. realizing now, the family photo that i will forever dwell on are the pictures in my head. pictures of us smiling, laughing, and seeing genuine calmness on our faces. it is i think the picture perfect shot. our kodak moments.

before nearing december, i was so apathetic about hanging decorations because i felt it wasn't necessary to have that feel of christmas at home. i didn't know, it was the same feeling that my siblings felt but then, family members made us realize that we should put up decors so that Mom won't be sad seeing that we have objected ourselves from celebrating christmas. I guess, it is right. I don't want Mom to see us sad because before she passed we promised her that we will be happy and if we're happy she will also be happy. I guess it is reviving her spirit through us, because she is with us forever and always. the best thing that i can conclude at this moment is that we're lucky because we have someone to look over us anytime of the day, no more texting or calling, instead a direct affinity with the Lord.

yes, i miss her so much. the rest of my life is a pretty long way to go without her but again, she is with us forever and always.

When life gives you lemons.

I'm still counting the days. Every 4th of the month is very crucial. What more when it gets to be every year, what more when I long for her more. I can't picture out my family without her anymore.

Things have been different, but some haven't. When I go to work, things are pretty normal because I would think that she's at home sleeping, but when I want to ask her, or call her, I won't be able to hear her voice anymore. So many ironic situations passed in my family. Sometimes when the six of us, my Dad, my 2 sisters and 2 brothers would eat together at the dining table, we would imagine that Mom's asleep, we would try to be as joyful as possible so that each of us won't be sad, but sometimes, it really gets to us. Of course, we kids try to be strong for our Dad. It's hard losing a mother but it's harder losing a partner in life. What's more ironic is that in our day to day life, when there's something that needs to be decided we choose the one that we think our Mom would also be deciding then we would all make a joke about it. Yeah..we make fun of it sometimes. Like when somebody from us won't agree, we would joke about that Mom would scare us off if we don't follow the majority. It's seeing the joy in every situation and when it gets pretty tough, there's always God and well, Mom to talk to.

Life's been good to us. God blessed us with a Mother who prepared us for the possibilities that life will hand us and also showered us with love and happiness. She's one tough woman! Our Dad, who we thought can't handle the whole 2years of struggle made it. He is our hero because not once did he try to give up for Mom. He stayed strong for her and she stayed strong for him. It is because of them that we are strong and we stay strong. It is their love that is our source of strength and happiness. 

Whenever I pray the Lord's prayer, I would really be in tears. I feel that God is really there for us because without Him we won't feel the fullness of life given that we lost someone so dear.

Mad Flow

Through this tough times, I am proud to say that I am strong. I laugh at funny things, I smile, I crack jokes, I make fun of my sister Mai and I can deal with situations that calls me to. But I can hardly cope with things that requires a mother's advice and when I get mad or extremely sad I go down into an emotional outburst. It's like the once- you- pop- you- can't- stop liner. I get that once in a while and will probably will for the rest of my life. 

Saddest day of my life.

The saddest day of my life was the day that my family went home from a devastating experience. 

May 4- My mother passed away at 6:20 PM due to respiratory illness. She had stage IV Lung cancer. Two years of suffering, miracles, happiness, life, hope, struggle, pain..it has ended, the battle has ended.

I can still remember it clearly. Two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer which the doctor said would survive only for 4-6 months. Only a miracle can make her live for a year because large percentage of lung cases end up at the 6th month. It was a life-changing experience for my family. My mother was the first to accept what God had given her, a killer disease.

Living with cancer was difficult. Everybody in our family lived what my mom went through everyday. We did herbal medications, doctor's medication, mental, physical, you name it, but the most medicine we only hoped for was God. Prayer. It was Him that through our constant prayers and plea, He granted us His love, a miracle. A miracle so powerful that you cry when you are happy. We all felt God's love and His mercy to our mother, God's strength to make us all strong, courage, wisdom, forgiveness and almost everything that only God can make you feel. Yes! Prayer is the only weapon you can have everyday. And that my mother has able to live through her second year.

Her two years of new life with the Lord was the most memorable, not only to her but to the rest of the family. It was a life of happiness even though there was pain and suffering. A life of love, joy and serenity. Seeing the love of my parents, their love for each other, our home makes us strong because through them we did not see hatred and the most part was, we did not question God. I guess it's because we entrusted everything to Him.

During the last two weeks of my mother's life, she had occurring incidents of breathing difficulties. It was a usual event since her sickness affects her breathing.But the most unbearable time was she can't lie down anymore. The next day, we all decided to bring her to Manila but no, my mom honestly said she can't bear to travel anymore. So my dad and my sister headed to Iloilo instead, she was confined there. On the third day since she was confined, I also went to the hospital to be with my mom. When i opened the door to the room, there i saw my mother sitting down on the bed, not lying but  looking tired. I can still hear her breathing through the oxygen mask. It was unbearable. I tried not to cry instead I cradled her in my arms as support so that she can breath well while sitting down. I was nervous the whole time. I don't like hospitals in the first place and the condition of my mother was getting worse. According to my sister, her left lung is deteriorating and the only good lung left is the right which is only about 30%. I felt fear. We suddenly called for our brothers and our Lolo to visit. While in panic,my older sister and I had a chance to really talk and she said, " Joy, we should prepare ourselves." Bang! It hit me hard, first I was shocked, I was in denial, then I felt fear, i felt nervous, i was so scared. I was so silent for a while, not crying, then my sister explained. There's a possibility that our mother will have a cardiac arrest. I didn't know what cardiac arrest was. Her oxygen count was not stabilizing, and if she has a lot of carbon dioxide, her brain, her lungs will collapse, then she will have a cardiac arrest then will slip into a comma then that's it. I didn't  understand much, I don't know what to expect, i don't know how her passing will be. I still can't accept talking about her passing, but as what my sister said, we should prepare. For all my twenty two years, I haven't really experienced death, so dealing with it, accepting the reality was really really really painful... Family members all gathered up trying to comfort us, to show their support and love to our mother. As days go by, she was able to lie down on her back and breath comfortably through the oxygen mask and we were so glad we all cried with tears. Visits from family and friends became constant but some weren't able to see her because of the 'reverse isolation..but most memorable visits were from people who brought with them spiritual support. Their prayers really helped us a lot. Two unforgettable moments was when one Aunt visited us, she spoke and prayed near our mother's ears, and when she was speaking these words, "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord", our mother also cited those words even though it was very difficult to speak and when our Aunt sang, we all cried because it was all about praising God. Another memorable moment was when Sister Fidelis visited us, we really found comfort in her knowing that her words and her presence gave us strength and of course a deeper understanding about death. She was talking to our mother softly, her words,  "Go with the Lord, if you see Him, if you see the light just follow Him. Remember that with the Lord you will forever be in peace." Then Sister Fidelis spoke to us telling us that we should whisper to our mother our words of farewell, assurance, love, forgiveness, prayer. We all cried while she said, for us, it was really a sign, we were really losing our mother. She saw it.

Every second counts in that hospital room, from the time that my mother was able to lie down, we still had hope that maybe she can still go home with us. During our confinement in the hospital, we didn't had any helpers to take care of our mother, we all did our roles as her children and we all slept inside with no comfortable space to lie down. On the second last night, I was still awake around 2AM, I knew our mother wasn't asleep that time because she was always moving, as always, I stroked her forehead her hair, her arms and I felt that somehow she was comforted by my caresses. We always do that to her, constantly whispering I love you's and singing praise songs LAUds cd playing. That time while I was praying the rosary through her ear, the "oxygen man"(the person refilling oxygen tanks) entered our room with the refilled tank then suddenly my mother screamed, "hindi ko gusto! hindi ko gusto!" It was a scary moment, I thought she was hallucinating like some one was trying to grab her in her dreams. Then I woke up my father and my siblings, we tried to make her relax because when she screamed her eyes went big with fear and her first time to speak very loudly. We all made her relax then we asked her what she didn't want to happen, then we explained softly the task of the oxygen man. She suddenly calmed down, then she said loudly again, (in translation)" Something's going to happen." We were scared. What was happening to her..we thought maybe it was just because of the medicines or a bad dream. But it wasn't. The next day, we didn't get through what happened last night, we were all scared and during that day, our mother's condition wasn't stabilizing. The doctors tried to make her breathing normal by using the cPOP? (i don't know the tool) but our mother hesitated. The oxygen sucked everything when she wore it. During the whole day, we we're beside her. We prayed, we whispered to her our words of love and assurance. Little did we know, it was already The Day. 

I won't spare the details. But that moment, we just prayed and said We love you. 

"Go to heaven Nay, just go with the Lord. Don't be afraid. Heaven is a beautiful place, there is peace, there is love, there is happiness, there's no pain and suffering. Rest Nay, don't worry about us, we will take care of each other. Just be happy, we love you so much."

And it happened. My fear of death, my curious state of how death will be and how my mother's passing will be. It answered everything. My first experience.

May 4- 6:20 PM Our mother passed away peacefully with us on her side. With God guiding us every step of the way. We still held her hand, stroked her arms, her hair, kissed her head even though there was no mother who will open her eyes anymore. Her last sight was the sight of my father, they we're staring at each other's eyes until her last breath has ended.

May 4 was the feast of St. Monica, also the fiesta of my mother's hometown of Hamtic in which she was a youth leader, a beauty queen, known to many as Acay. She left us with something memorable to remember her by. 

That night happened so fast. The feeling was unexplainable. The hallucinations, everything, our mother knew. She knew her time was near.

Also that night, I kept thinking about what happened. We all slept together..but this time, it was only the six of us. Our only concern now was our father, our 2 younger brothers and of course my sisters. 

The next day happened so fast too. It was the time that we went home. The drive was long and we slept the whole trip. It was saddest trip. It was the saddest day because for the first time, we went home without our mother. Our hopes of going home with her from the hospital didn't happen. When we arrived to the place where my parents built their dreams together, it was torturing. It was the most painful experience ever. We all cried, wept, all synonyms you can think of. Everything in that house reminded us of her and from that day on, everything changed.

Our mother's battle, our battle has ended. . a new life begins.