tis the season

I am aware that Christmas day is drawing near. As much as I want to escape each day, I can't because I always feel this sudden heart twist whenever i see christmas lights and all those season's shebang. one night while i was driving home from work, i passed by the plaza and saw a great commotion, all those nice- looking sparkling lights blinking, the crowd, the air, i said to myself "shit!" like a hard kick on the gut. i don't want to feel this overwhelming cloud and i wept the whole time i was driving.

it's really hard knowing that for the twenty two years of your life, you spend your christmas with the whole family, eat together, watch fireworks together, seeing the smiles of everyone. this time i don't know what will happen when that day comes. last christmas, i was bugging my Mom to have our family picture even though she didn't feel well, she just smiled at me whenever i asked her. for how many attempts, it did not happen. i did not have that last shot. then came the month of may, i brought my camera to the hospital expecting that she would recover and we could have our family photo, but i guess, it wasn't obliged. i went home devastated without that final shot knowing that i won't be able to see a complete family on a print.. realizing now, the family photo that i will forever dwell on are the pictures in my head. pictures of us smiling, laughing, and seeing genuine calmness on our faces. it is i think the picture perfect shot. our kodak moments.

before nearing december, i was so apathetic about hanging decorations because i felt it wasn't necessary to have that feel of christmas at home. i didn't know, it was the same feeling that my siblings felt but then, family members made us realize that we should put up decors so that Mom won't be sad seeing that we have objected ourselves from celebrating christmas. I guess, it is right. I don't want Mom to see us sad because before she passed we promised her that we will be happy and if we're happy she will also be happy. I guess it is reviving her spirit through us, because she is with us forever and always. the best thing that i can conclude at this moment is that we're lucky because we have someone to look over us anytime of the day, no more texting or calling, instead a direct affinity with the Lord.

yes, i miss her so much. the rest of my life is a pretty long way to go without her but again, she is with us forever and always.