today

There are some things that only a mother can understand and make you feel okay.

sometimes when sadness and confusion occurs it is much easier to confine myself to anger. because in anger the feeling is so intense you tend to forget you are sad or confused and you resort to be angry about small things instead.

today i was kind of pressured over things and i admit i have responsibilities that i neglected over these past months. i know and i am aware of it.

my mom's passing has been difficult for me and dealing with it in my own way is the only solution that can pass. i am like inside a big ball of balloon, so delicate that when you try poke it, you get afraid it might burst and when it pops it really pops. that's what i am feeling right now. push me and i get a little mixture of anxiety, confusion, depression. the feeling is endless.

i wish my Mom was here. she could have understand what i am feeling right now and only she can make me feel ok about it. she scolds me, she pressures me, she tells me what to do and that's ok. and now i miss have someone to tell me what to do because the truth is i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i have no dreams or aspirations or whatever as of the moment and all i want to do is just to enjoy even though it only gives me temporary happiness.

i don't know anyone who understands what i'm feeling today. i am not self-fulfilled.

i just want someone to tell me what to do then i can start from there.