Why I Love Collecting Photographs

I am a photography addict and a shameless hoarder of memories from keepsakes with handwritten notes, receipts and of course pictures! In this digital world, the ease of having a memory card can give limitless joy of clicking still moments and convenience of storing it using social media accounts. Lately I have been struggling with updating our family albums with pictures on print; backlogs from previous travels, special occasions and random shots that requires time and effort to sort and be saved on the 'develop' album.  Nothing beats seeing memories in pages and pages of pictures or displayed on a 5x7 wooden frame that line up when you enter the house. It gives out a certain connection whenever it's displayed as if one is never absent or be visually reminded of a memory.

Here are a few good reasons why I like to print photos:

Treasured Items
My grandparent's house is a treasure trove of pictures and memorabilia. When we were young, my siblings and I would secretly open a chest full of albums and would be so engrossed seeing the life our grandparents and their parents lived. It conveys a message of being a part of their life without actually meeting them in person. I would want the next generation to experience the same and be filled with stories of the past as we owe it to them too. And pictures get valuable over time!

Changing Times
Social media accounts like Facebook or Instagram are a few of the platforms one can view pictures using even the most basic Android-based smartphones but nothing beats touching a glossy paper with a photo of a family opening gifts on a Christmas morning, a self-portrait in an explored location, a random shot of a landscape that sparks emotions and gives new life.  Photographs in albums or on a frame are viewable no matter what.

Sharing Memories
Whenever I have files developed, it brings everybody together. Who doesn't enjoy flipping through photo prints by hand and reminiscing stories with each other? Everyone loves to look at pictures and best of all you get to bond over it with food and a bottle of beer!

Carpe effin diem!

My mom taken using a Holga 150, color slide with light leaks!

There are really some days when life reminds you to slow down and reflect on what's really important in this world.

today

There are some things that only a mother can understand and make you feel okay.

sometimes when sadness and confusion occurs it is much easier to confine myself to anger. because in anger the feeling is so intense you tend to forget you are sad or confused and you resort to be angry about small things instead.

today i was kind of pressured over things and i admit i have responsibilities that i neglected over these past months. i know and i am aware of it.

my mom's passing has been difficult for me and dealing with it in my own way is the only solution that can pass. i am like inside a big ball of balloon, so delicate that when you try poke it, you get afraid it might burst and when it pops it really pops. that's what i am feeling right now. push me and i get a little mixture of anxiety, confusion, depression. the feeling is endless.

i wish my Mom was here. she could have understand what i am feeling right now and only she can make me feel ok about it. she scolds me, she pressures me, she tells me what to do and that's ok. and now i miss have someone to tell me what to do because the truth is i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i have no dreams or aspirations or whatever as of the moment and all i want to do is just to enjoy even though it only gives me temporary happiness.

i don't know anyone who understands what i'm feeling today. i am not self-fulfilled.

i just want someone to tell me what to do then i can start from there.

tis the season

I am aware that Christmas day is drawing near. As much as I want to escape each day, I can't because I always feel this sudden heart twist whenever i see christmas lights and all those season's shebang. one night while i was driving home from work, i passed by the plaza and saw a great commotion, all those nice- looking sparkling lights blinking, the crowd, the air, i said to myself "shit!" like a hard kick on the gut. i don't want to feel this overwhelming cloud and i wept the whole time i was driving.

it's really hard knowing that for the twenty two years of your life, you spend your christmas with the whole family, eat together, watch fireworks together, seeing the smiles of everyone. this time i don't know what will happen when that day comes. last christmas, i was bugging my Mom to have our family picture even though she didn't feel well, she just smiled at me whenever i asked her. for how many attempts, it did not happen. i did not have that last shot. then came the month of may, i brought my camera to the hospital expecting that she would recover and we could have our family photo, but i guess, it wasn't obliged. i went home devastated without that final shot knowing that i won't be able to see a complete family on a print.. realizing now, the family photo that i will forever dwell on are the pictures in my head. pictures of us smiling, laughing, and seeing genuine calmness on our faces. it is i think the picture perfect shot. our kodak moments.

before nearing december, i was so apathetic about hanging decorations because i felt it wasn't necessary to have that feel of christmas at home. i didn't know, it was the same feeling that my siblings felt but then, family members made us realize that we should put up decors so that Mom won't be sad seeing that we have objected ourselves from celebrating christmas. I guess, it is right. I don't want Mom to see us sad because before she passed we promised her that we will be happy and if we're happy she will also be happy. I guess it is reviving her spirit through us, because she is with us forever and always. the best thing that i can conclude at this moment is that we're lucky because we have someone to look over us anytime of the day, no more texting or calling, instead a direct affinity with the Lord.

yes, i miss her so much. the rest of my life is a pretty long way to go without her but again, she is with us forever and always.

When life gives you lemons.

I'm still counting the days. Every 4th of the month is very crucial. What more when it gets to be every year, what more when I long for her more. I can't picture out my family without her anymore.

Things have been different, but some haven't. When I go to work, things are pretty normal because I would think that she's at home sleeping, but when I want to ask her, or call her, I won't be able to hear her voice anymore. So many ironic situations passed in my family. Sometimes when the six of us, my Dad, my 2 sisters and 2 brothers would eat together at the dining table, we would imagine that Mom's asleep, we would try to be as joyful as possible so that each of us won't be sad, but sometimes, it really gets to us. Of course, we kids try to be strong for our Dad. It's hard losing a mother but it's harder losing a partner in life. What's more ironic is that in our day to day life, when there's something that needs to be decided we choose the one that we think our Mom would also be deciding then we would all make a joke about it. Yeah..we make fun of it sometimes. Like when somebody from us won't agree, we would joke about that Mom would scare us off if we don't follow the majority. It's seeing the joy in every situation and when it gets pretty tough, there's always God and well, Mom to talk to.

Life's been good to us. God blessed us with a Mother who prepared us for the possibilities that life will hand us and also showered us with love and happiness. She's one tough woman! Our Dad, who we thought can't handle the whole 2years of struggle made it. He is our hero because not once did he try to give up for Mom. He stayed strong for her and she stayed strong for him. It is because of them that we are strong and we stay strong. It is their love that is our source of strength and happiness. 

Whenever I pray the Lord's prayer, I would really be in tears. I feel that God is really there for us because without Him we won't feel the fullness of life given that we lost someone so dear.

Mad Flow

Through this tough times, I am proud to say that I am strong. I laugh at funny things, I smile, I crack jokes, I make fun of my sister Mai and I can deal with situations that calls me to. But I can hardly cope with things that requires a mother's advice and when I get mad or extremely sad I go down into an emotional outburst. It's like the once- you- pop- you- can't- stop liner. I get that once in a while and will probably will for the rest of my life.