How 'blogging" helped me cope with grief

If you have read my first post you'll know what i'm talking about.

After my first experience of death, the purpose of life has been a total blur. I remember being angry that time. I easily get envious of complete families and during affairs I would shut my mind from feeling the happy mood. I guess it's normal to feel that way, it's better to shut everyone out and deal with grief in my own terms. One outlet that helped me express what I felt was through "blogging". There wasn't Facebook that time, only Friendster and Multiply and the only connection I have with the outside world was through the latter that I was able to share the saddest day of my life.  People's responses gave me heartwarming comfort. Messages of hope and encouraging words came from anonymous readers and somehow it eased the pain but there's always that empty feeling afterwards.

Due to the struggle of wanting to express myself, I started a blog. As days went by, and mostly days where I felt confused and angry I would resort to writing on my online journal. I knew someone would eventually read my rants by accident but I just sort of wanted someone to hear me, to throw away that sadness, the anger, confusion and the tears into the unknown and not expecting any return from it. I was selfish when it came to my feelings and fighting it was much harder than I thought. And so I gave up fighting. If I wanted to cry, I write myself all the emotions until tears fall down my face. Everday I would read my previous posts, then cry until I feel relieved. Somehow the habitual reading of my own blog entries tired me out that eventually led me to read other people's blogs. Fashion blogs to be specific. And so daily rants slowly turned to optimistic posts and then to outfit shots. Lol. Perhaps I got inspired by colors again, diverting grief into something new and fresh. And so I would take photos of me in my work clothes. The same things that fashion bloggers do except theirs was always on the top. I admit that was pretty trying hard of me and until now you can see some posts of it here in my blog Haha. 

Year after year the topics and interests that I share changed. From the original blog, I transferred some contents to a new one and eventually into this new url.  In the six years of struggling, am okay now. Although i can never erase the fact that I still miss my mom and will miss her for the rest of my life, I'm not saying that I don't grieve anymore. Maybe it's turning that grief into a more expression of life through the things that I do..hobbies or interests.

There's this verse from the bible that kept with me. And let me share it here.

	To every thing there is a season,
	And a time to every purpose under the heaven:
	A time to be born, and a time to die;
	A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
5	A time to kill, and a time to heal;
	A time to break down, and a time to build up;
	A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
	A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
	A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
10	A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
	A time to get, and a time to lose;
	A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
	A time to rend, and a time to sew;
	A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
15	A time to love, and a time to hate;
	A time of war, and a time of peace.
	—Ecclesiastes 3:1–8

There's a much deeper sense of life now and I owe it all to the Higher Being for everything. Amidst the physical absence of my mom, I know she is still here continue inspiring us. An Assumption nun once shared to us, "Your mom is more present now than she was in her physical body. Her love for you grows in each one of you."

I understand now. During that process of grieving, mom was present in all things. Unawarely I would share about a certain hobby and later would I realize that it was what she usually does at home and by noticing those little things, it gave me huge comfort.  What really helped me cope was knowing she is everywhere and sharing about it to the world to see. Reminding me of her through the colors that I wear, the choices that I make and making her a part of my daily life. Sometimes I feel sad for the future knowing she's not here but perhaps, looking beyond her physical form gives purpose to the meaning of life. There's a more reason to paint, to draw, to do stuff, to be happy, to fulfill her dreams and mine.

So if you find yourself in a dark moment in your life, try writing it down. Have a journal or start a blog!      Great things might come out, we don't know. :)