Saddest day of my life.

The saddest day of my life was the day that my family went home from a devastating experience. 

May 4- My mother passed away at 6:20 PM due to respiratory illness. She had stage IV Lung cancer. Two years of suffering, miracles, happiness, life, hope, struggle, pain..it has ended, the battle has ended.

I can still remember it clearly. Two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer which the doctor said would survive only for 4-6 months. Only a miracle can make her live for a year because large percentage of lung cases end up at the 6th month. It was a life-changing experience for my family. My mother was the first to accept what God had given her, a killer disease.

Living with cancer was difficult. Everybody in our family lived what my mom went through everyday. We did herbal medications, doctor's medication, mental, physical, you name it, but the most medicine we only hoped for was God. Prayer. It was Him that through our constant prayers and plea, He granted us His love, a miracle. A miracle so powerful that you cry when you are happy. We all felt God's love and His mercy to our mother, God's strength to make us all strong, courage, wisdom, forgiveness and almost everything that only God can make you feel. Yes! Prayer is the only weapon you can have everyday. And that my mother has able to live through her second year.

Her two years of new life with the Lord was the most memorable, not only to her but to the rest of the family. It was a life of happiness even though there was pain and suffering. A life of love, joy and serenity. Seeing the love of my parents, their love for each other, our home makes us strong because through them we did not see hatred and the most part was, we did not question God. I guess it's because we entrusted everything to Him.

During the last two weeks of my mother's life, she had occurring incidents of breathing difficulties. It was a usual event since her sickness affects her breathing.But the most unbearable time was she can't lie down anymore. The next day, we all decided to bring her to Manila but no, my mom honestly said she can't bear to travel anymore. So my dad and my sister headed to Iloilo instead, she was confined there. On the third day since she was confined, I also went to the hospital to be with my mom. When i opened the door to the room, there i saw my mother sitting down on the bed, not lying but  looking tired. I can still hear her breathing through the oxygen mask. It was unbearable. I tried not to cry instead I cradled her in my arms as support so that she can breath well while sitting down. I was nervous the whole time. I don't like hospitals in the first place and the condition of my mother was getting worse. According to my sister, her left lung is deteriorating and the only good lung left is the right which is only about 30%. I felt fear. We suddenly called for our brothers and our Lolo to visit. While in panic,my older sister and I had a chance to really talk and she said, " Joy, we should prepare ourselves." Bang! It hit me hard, first I was shocked, I was in denial, then I felt fear, i felt nervous, i was so scared. I was so silent for a while, not crying, then my sister explained. There's a possibility that our mother will have a cardiac arrest. I didn't know what cardiac arrest was. Her oxygen count was not stabilizing, and if she has a lot of carbon dioxide, her brain, her lungs will collapse, then she will have a cardiac arrest then will slip into a comma then that's it. I didn't  understand much, I don't know what to expect, i don't know how her passing will be. I still can't accept talking about her passing, but as what my sister said, we should prepare. For all my twenty two years, I haven't really experienced death, so dealing with it, accepting the reality was really really really painful... Family members all gathered up trying to comfort us, to show their support and love to our mother. As days go by, she was able to lie down on her back and breath comfortably through the oxygen mask and we were so glad we all cried with tears. Visits from family and friends became constant but some weren't able to see her because of the 'reverse isolation..but most memorable visits were from people who brought with them spiritual support. Their prayers really helped us a lot. Two unforgettable moments was when one Aunt visited us, she spoke and prayed near our mother's ears, and when she was speaking these words, "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord", our mother also cited those words even though it was very difficult to speak and when our Aunt sang, we all cried because it was all about praising God. Another memorable moment was when Sister Fidelis visited us, we really found comfort in her knowing that her words and her presence gave us strength and of course a deeper understanding about death. She was talking to our mother softly, her words,  "Go with the Lord, if you see Him, if you see the light just follow Him. Remember that with the Lord you will forever be in peace." Then Sister Fidelis spoke to us telling us that we should whisper to our mother our words of farewell, assurance, love, forgiveness, prayer. We all cried while she said, for us, it was really a sign, we were really losing our mother. She saw it.

Every second counts in that hospital room, from the time that my mother was able to lie down, we still had hope that maybe she can still go home with us. During our confinement in the hospital, we didn't had any helpers to take care of our mother, we all did our roles as her children and we all slept inside with no comfortable space to lie down. On the second last night, I was still awake around 2AM, I knew our mother wasn't asleep that time because she was always moving, as always, I stroked her forehead her hair, her arms and I felt that somehow she was comforted by my caresses. We always do that to her, constantly whispering I love you's and singing praise songs LAUds cd playing. That time while I was praying the rosary through her ear, the "oxygen man"(the person refilling oxygen tanks) entered our room with the refilled tank then suddenly my mother screamed, "hindi ko gusto! hindi ko gusto!" It was a scary moment, I thought she was hallucinating like some one was trying to grab her in her dreams. Then I woke up my father and my siblings, we tried to make her relax because when she screamed her eyes went big with fear and her first time to speak very loudly. We all made her relax then we asked her what she didn't want to happen, then we explained softly the task of the oxygen man. She suddenly calmed down, then she said loudly again, (in translation)" Something's going to happen." We were scared. What was happening to her..we thought maybe it was just because of the medicines or a bad dream. But it wasn't. The next day, we didn't get through what happened last night, we were all scared and during that day, our mother's condition wasn't stabilizing. The doctors tried to make her breathing normal by using the cPOP? (i don't know the tool) but our mother hesitated. The oxygen sucked everything when she wore it. During the whole day, we we're beside her. We prayed, we whispered to her our words of love and assurance. Little did we know, it was already The Day. 

I won't spare the details. But that moment, we just prayed and said We love you. 

"Go to heaven Nay, just go with the Lord. Don't be afraid. Heaven is a beautiful place, there is peace, there is love, there is happiness, there's no pain and suffering. Rest Nay, don't worry about us, we will take care of each other. Just be happy, we love you so much."

And it happened. My fear of death, my curious state of how death will be and how my mother's passing will be. It answered everything. My first experience.

May 4- 6:20 PM Our mother passed away peacefully with us on her side. With God guiding us every step of the way. We still held her hand, stroked her arms, her hair, kissed her head even though there was no mother who will open her eyes anymore. Her last sight was the sight of my father, they we're staring at each other's eyes until her last breath has ended.

May 4 was the feast of St. Monica, also the fiesta of my mother's hometown of Hamtic in which she was a youth leader, a beauty queen, known to many as Acay. She left us with something memorable to remember her by. 

That night happened so fast. The feeling was unexplainable. The hallucinations, everything, our mother knew. She knew her time was near.

Also that night, I kept thinking about what happened. We all slept together..but this time, it was only the six of us. Our only concern now was our father, our 2 younger brothers and of course my sisters. 

The next day happened so fast too. It was the time that we went home. The drive was long and we slept the whole trip. It was saddest trip. It was the saddest day because for the first time, we went home without our mother. Our hopes of going home with her from the hospital didn't happen. When we arrived to the place where my parents built their dreams together, it was torturing. It was the most painful experience ever. We all cried, wept, all synonyms you can think of. Everything in that house reminded us of her and from that day on, everything changed.

Our mother's battle, our battle has ended. . a new life begins.