december 23

i am suffering from chronic nostalgia.

these past days have been so depressing. didn't go to work yesterday and this morning. and the days before was just for the sake of going to work.

yesterday, 3 of us siblings, my achi, bryan and I had sort of a minor sickness. i think it was slightly because of anxiety nearing the 25th.

i find God, family and friends as my only comfort and strength but sometimes no family and friends can fill up that emptiness inside me. i wish Mom was here...........

curse humans for bringing cruelty and destruction to our world for it gave us diseases and problems and .......

i pray for forgiveness, patience, strength, peace and joy.

I know christmas is Jesus' coming.. and I praise Him for everything!

here goes, Merry Christmas!

tis the season

I am aware that Christmas day is drawing near. As much as I want to escape each day, I can't because I always feel this sudden heart twist whenever i see christmas lights and all those season's shebang. one night while i was driving home from work, i passed by the plaza and saw a great commotion, all those nice- looking sparkling lights blinking, the crowd, the air, i said to myself "shit!" like a hard kick on the gut. i don't want to feel this overwhelming cloud and i wept the whole time i was driving.

it's really hard knowing that for the twenty two years of your life, you spend your christmas with the whole family, eat together, watch fireworks together, seeing the smiles of everyone. this time i don't know what will happen when that day comes. last christmas, i was bugging my Mom to have our family picture even though she didn't feel well, she just smiled at me whenever i asked her. for how many attempts, it did not happen. i did not have that last shot. then came the month of may, i brought my camera to the hospital expecting that she would recover and we could have our family photo, but i guess, it wasn't obliged. i went home devastated without that final shot knowing that i won't be able to see a complete family on a print.. realizing now, the family photo that i will forever dwell on are the pictures in my head. pictures of us smiling, laughing, and seeing genuine calmness on our faces. it is i think the picture perfect shot. our kodak moments.

before nearing december, i was so apathetic about hanging decorations because i felt it wasn't necessary to have that feel of christmas at home. i didn't know, it was the same feeling that my siblings felt but then, family members made us realize that we should put up decors so that Mom won't be sad seeing that we have objected ourselves from celebrating christmas. I guess, it is right. I don't want Mom to see us sad because before she passed we promised her that we will be happy and if we're happy she will also be happy. I guess it is reviving her spirit through us, because she is with us forever and always. the best thing that i can conclude at this moment is that we're lucky because we have someone to look over us anytime of the day, no more texting or calling, instead a direct affinity with the Lord.

yes, i miss her so much. the rest of my life is a pretty long way to go without her but again, she is with us forever and always.

When life gives you lemons.

I'm still counting the days. Every 4th of the month is very crucial. What more when it gets to be every year, what more when I long for her more. I can't picture out my family without her anymore.

Things have been different, but some haven't. When I go to work, things are pretty normal because I would think that she's at home sleeping, but when I want to ask her, or call her, I won't be able to hear her voice anymore. So many ironic situations passed in my family. Sometimes when the six of us, my Dad, my 2 sisters and 2 brothers would eat together at the dining table, we would imagine that Mom's asleep, we would try to be as joyful as possible so that each of us won't be sad, but sometimes, it really gets to us. Of course, we kids try to be strong for our Dad. It's hard losing a mother but it's harder losing a partner in life. What's more ironic is that in our day to day life, when there's something that needs to be decided we choose the one that we think our Mom would also be deciding then we would all make a joke about it. Yeah..we make fun of it sometimes. Like when somebody from us won't agree, we would joke about that Mom would scare us off if we don't follow the majority. It's seeing the joy in every situation and when it gets pretty tough, there's always God and well, Mom to talk to.

Life's been good to us. God blessed us with a Mother who prepared us for the possibilities that life will hand us and also showered us with love and happiness. She's one tough woman! Our Dad, who we thought can't handle the whole 2years of struggle made it. He is our hero because not once did he try to give up for Mom. He stayed strong for her and she stayed strong for him. It is because of them that we are strong and we stay strong. It is their love that is our source of strength and happiness. 

Whenever I pray the Lord's prayer, I would really be in tears. I feel that God is really there for us because without Him we won't feel the fullness of life given that we lost someone so dear.